Wal-Mart Adventures

Hi everyone! I'm mostly writing about this for future reference - to remind myself why I do not - do NOT- take my children shopping. Ever. For any reason. Here's why:

Yesterday dawned bright and sunny, with springtime in the air, promise on the wind, and...no juice in the fridge. It had been months since I'd tried grocery shopping with my boys (because of a few not-so-pleasant episodes of dragging their screaming little selves out of stores - quite literally), but we were desperate. I knew we would never get a naptime without any precious juice, and there were a thousand other things we needed. So, I thought I would give them a chance to redeem themselves in the grocery shopping deparment. Silly me!

I packed my 15-month-old and 2 1/2-year -old into their carseats and off we went. When we got to Wal-Mart, I faced the usual parking dilemma: closer to the store, or closer to the carts? It had been a rainy night, so I decided on closer to the store. That meant using a dry cart inside, but it also meant carrying Zach and dragging Johnny the whole 75 yards into the store. As soon as we were inside, I let go of Johnny so I could grab the nearest cart and start stuffing Zach in the child seat.

 Of course, the second I let go of Johnny, he was running - no destination in mind, simply the call of freedom tugging at his little Osh-Kosh sandals. I tried to keep an eye on him while wrestling to buckle in a squirmy Zach, but alas! Johnny disappeared around a corner at the same moment I realized I had put Zach into a very rain-soaked cart. Oh well on the cart dilemma. The damage was done, and I had a fugitive to chase.

I caught Johnny in a moment of hesitation, as he was trying to decide if he wanted to try pushing ALL the buttons on the RedBox machine, or run straight out the nearest door. I steered us all into the store and our adventures really  began! The first thing Johnny saw was the big beautiful display of "traw-buddies" (strawberries). What?! He was begging for something healthy? Win for Mommy! Also, it was my bribe for getting him to sit in the cart. Double win!

We moved throught the fruit aisle with lightning speed because Johnny had found the "nanas" (bananas) and was yelling at them from 10 yards away. We made it through the deli and the frozen foods pretty quietly, but then I realized why: Johnny was sticking his little tongue out and had weaseled 2 little fingers into the strawberry container. I needed a distraction, and fast! I looked up and found a Pez display - with Lightning McQueen and Mater dispensers. Perfect! I grabbed one for each of them, but I should have known better. Johnny had Mater, and Zach had McQueen. Johnny started yelling for his "Maween!" so we traded. As soon as Zach had Mater, Johnny screamed for "Nater!" He finally realized that he could have one, so he settled for Maween and all was happiness and roses.

Until the juice aisle. Remember how apple juice was the reason we came? I couldn't find it. Anywhere. And Zach had started playing the "Throw Mater and all his Pez Candies out of the Cart and Watch Mommy Scramble to Pick it Up" game. After he did it twice, I put his Mater in the back of the cart with Johnny. And I still couldn't find the juice. I found fifteen aisles of wine, one small display of Sunny-D, and no apple juice. I decided to go with Sunny-D and repent later for all the sugar I was going to feed my children. I put the sunny stuff in the cart and CRASH! Mater went flying again. I couldn't figure out how Zach had gotten it, but whatever. The end was in sight!

We moved on to the binky section, and Johnny was much quieter than he should have been. I looked down and realized he had opened a box of donuts I had picked up to surprise Paul. He only had a little crumb in his hand, so I thought, "Whatever. We're almost done, and we'll still pay for the box." I moved the box away from Johnny, got an understanding smile from another mom as we started moving again, and then CRASH! went Mater again. I picked it up and put it back in the cart. Johnny immediately grabbed it and handed it to Zach again (that's how he was doing it!). I congratulated Johnny on learning to share and stuffed Mater in my armpit.

We headed for the checkout lane as Zach became irate. He only stopped crying intermittently to suck on my sweatshirt strings. We found the famous Wal-Mart checkout lanes (500 lanes, 3 of them open) and went to the shortest one. We realized it was the shortest because the lady in front of us - bless her heart - was a couponer. Oh well, it looked like she was almost done, and the other lines were backing up farther every second. Zach was still screaming and started throwing everyhing he could reach onto the floor. I finally just picked him up out of the cart, and then Johnny started "helping" me. He loves to put everything onto the conveyor belt, but we couldn't reach it yet. He kept handing me the cottage cheese and pointing to the belt, and I kept saying, "Not yet," and putting it back in the cart. Zach started grabbing some candy from the shelf and I was distracted just long enough to hear a SPLAT! and see cottage cheese explode everywhere. Yes, Johnny had thrown it toward the counter and majorly missed.

The cute lady in front of us informed me Johnny was making a mess, and continued with her couponing business. Finally - FINALLY - she finished and it was our turn. I moved the cart forward, revealing a huge puddle of cottage cheese and a whole lotta donut crumbs. As I unloaded the cart, I realized there were two half-eaten donuts stuffed in with the rest of the groceries. Yum. I handed the cashier the empty cottage cheese carton and apologized profusely. She was SO nice and just laughed at the whole thing! Another lady cleaned it up, and we high-tailed it out of there the second Zach was done pushing all the buttons on the credit card machine.

The moral of this story is: wait until the hubby gets home to go shopping.